The Greenhouse Of Horrors
by John Richards
Summary: In a  slight  AU, Neville, Luna, and Mrs. Sprout are about to discover why Faust was an herbologist...
1. Act One Scene One

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

This fic originated because I saw two similar fics and thought to myself "You know what, no, I will not let those fics stand as the only fics of their type." The pairing in this fic is not my Harry Potter OTP, but it is what I thought fit this the best. This is a sad break from my pledge to myself to not write anymore fanfiction, but I feel it must be done. Also, yes, this does take place in an AU where students have control over their schedule before year six. There are other differences from the main timeline, which will become apparent as time goes on.

So here goes. Pretty much none of this fic is original, and all goes back to JK Rowling or Howard Ashman. All rights to them.

THE ACTUAL FIC:

We see a starfield and a deep voice emerges. "On the twenty third day of the month of September, in a decade not too long before our own, the Wizarding and Muggle worlds faced a deadly threat to their very existences. And this terrifying enemy surfaced, as such enemies often do, in the seemingly most innocent, and unlikely of places..." We pan down, revealing that this starfield is merely the ceiling of the Great Hall. Students are milling around eating lunch. We focus in on Ginny, Lavender, and Parvati, who are standing together and dancing with a tone of a dark warning. They slowly lead us outside, on the way meeting assorted characters (who all ignore them).

"The greenhouse, the greenhouse of horrors

The greenhouse, the greenhouse of terror

Hope to God that they sent the Aurors,

No! Oh oh, oh no-oh!

The greenhouse, the greenhouse of horrors

Bop sh'bop, the greenhouse of terror,

Watch 'em drop, the greenhouse of horrors,

No! Oh oh, oh no-oh!

Azkaban, gonna hit the fan if nothin' changes! Lookout! Lookout! Lookout! Lookout!

Voldemort, just isn't the worst of your co-oncerns! (Fi-i-irns, yeah!)

Mrs. Sprout! You better look out if you wanna live!

You better, you better, tellin' you you better, tell your mama, somethin's gonna get her,

She better, everybody better beware!"

The three girls lead us into the greenhouse, where there's an herbology class in session.

"Come-a, come-a, come-a,

The greenhouse, the greenhouse of horrors,

Bop sh'bop, you'll never stop the terror

The greenhouse, the greenhouse of horrors,

No! No no n'no! No no n'no! No no n'no-oh oh oh!"

A shattering noise pierces the class, and Professor Sprout turns around and starts shouting into the storage closet. "What did you break now, Longbottom?"

A simple response eminates from within. "Nothing, Professor Sprout." She mumbles and returns to the podium, only to catch Luna sneaking in late.

"So she finally decides to come to class?"

"Good morning, Professor Sprout," said Luna.

"What morning? It's two o'clock in the afternoon. Not that anyone's learned anything. Who cares about learning anything if they picked Herbology? They just want the credit for sitting there and staring fowards."

"I'm sorry," said Luna. Another crash.

"_Neville, what is going on back there?_"

"Very little, Professor Sprout!" said the voice in the closet.

"Luna, would you go back there and see what he's- Luna, where'd you get that shiner?"

"Shiner?" asked Luna.

"Luna, that greasy boyfriend of yours-he's been beating up on you again? Look, I know it's none of my business, but I'm beginning to think he's maybe not such a nice boy."

"You don't meet nice boys when you picked Herbology as your elective, Professor Sprout." Before the teacher could answer this, a boy came out of the closet.

"I found the plants you were talking about, Professor-" Evidently, he made some misstep, because the pots went flying across the room, falling into pieces across the floor.

"Neville, look what you done to the material."

"Don't yell at Neville, Professor Sprout," said Luna.

"Hi, Luna," said Neville. "You look radiant today. Is that new eye makeup?"

Luna turned to the professor. "I'll clean it up before the next lesson starts."

"Well, that ought to give you plenty of time," she responded. "Look, God, what an existence I got. A class full of coasters, a reputation for effortless credit, no real education is happening, my life is a living hell!" She turns to Ginny, Lavender, and Parvati. "You! Sign your name on the scroll. It's not bad enough that Luna comes in several hours late without you slipping in unnoticed?"

"Aw, we were in class when it started, right Lavender?"

"Of course, Ginny."

"You ought to be in a real class!"

"We're on the split shift," said Parvati.

"Right," said Ginny. "We took real classes till our second year, and then we split."

"So how do you intend to better yourselves?"

"Better ourselves? Miss, when you're the sort of person who would sign up for Herbology all day," said Lavender, "Ain't no such thing.

Alarm goes off at seven and you start downstairs.

You eat your magic breakfast with the knowledge that you'll never win.

Till it's ten AM..."

Goyle, who had been asleep at his desk till this point, suddenly woke up. "Then you take-" He fell asleep just as suddenly. The trio of girls was singing together, now.

"This class, where the kids don't care, you take this class, where they only stare, you take this class, if you need your credit, you lurch... here in Hogwarts!"

Goyle awoke for one more line. "Yes you take-"

"This class!"

"Where you look at sap!"

"You take this class!"

"Where you don't learn crap!"

"You take this class!"

"Where you might just snap or yet worse!

Here in Hogwarts!"

"That class you learn about wizards of past,

About as fascinating as Dobby's ass,

Learning 'bout charms, transfiguration, defense,

We don't know why they bother with all the expense,

And that class says it can predict what's to come,

Which would be neat if it just worked for anyone,

Your first block's tribulation, afternoon's a curse,

And five o'clock is even worse!"

Goyle awoke for another line: "Cuz you're still in..." Luna then became the focus.

"This class, where the guys are drips, this class, where they rip your slips, this class, where relationships can't get worse! Here in Hogwarts!"

Spotlight on Neville. "I! Never knew my mum or my dad!

So I ask God why things went bad, and he tells me 'Sorry you're sad... sweep that floor kid!'

Oh! My grandmother Augusta still thinks I'm a squib, here at Hogwarts!"

Neville gestured towards Professor Sprout. "She's all I've got, gave me purpose, a skill, stuff to do, and a job, treats me like dirt, and calls me a slob... which I am... So I take..."

"This class..." they all sung.

"Your identity, ya take..." sung Neville.

"This class..."

"It's not much to see, but still, this class, is the only place I can shine!"

"Here at Hogwarts..."

"Someone show me a way to get out of here, cause I constantly pray I'll get out of here,

Please won't somebody say I'll get out of here, someone give me my shot or I'll rot here!

Show me how and I will, I'll get out of here! I'll start climbing uphill and get out of here!

Someone tell me I still could get out of here! Someone tell Lady Luck that I'm stuck here!"

Now it was Neville and Luna singing together as the rest provided backup. "Gee, it sure would be swell to get out of here, bid the greenhouse farewell and get out of here

I'd move heaven and hell to see more of Hog, I'd do I-dunno-what to see more of Hog,

But a hell of a lot to see more of Hog, people tell me I'm stuck in this part of Hog,

But believe me I gotta see more of Hogwarts!"

As the class ended, Professor Sprout threw up her hands, exasperated. "Look at that! Six o'clock and noone so much as figured out what mooncalf dung is for. I guess this is it. Don't bother coming in tomorrow."

"You don't mean-" said Luna.

"You can't mean-" said Neville.

"What, what, what don't I mean?" said Professor Sprout. "I mean I'm done, forget it, kaput."

"You can't-" said Luna.

"Kaput! Extinct. I'm ending this God-and-student-forsaken class." Neville gulped. Herbology was the only class that he had half of a clue in. If it was retired, he would be unable to pass anywhere else.

"Professor Sprout, forgive me for saying so, but has it ever occurred to you that maybe what the class needs is to move in a new direction?"

"What Neville's trying to say, Professor Sprout, is... Well, we've talked about it and we both agree..." Luna paused. "Neville, why don't you run in back and bring out that strange and interesting new plant you've been working on?" Neville then exited. "You see, Professor Sprout, some of those exotic plants Neville has been tinkering around with are really unusual. We both think that maybe some of his strange and interesting plants, prominently displayed and advertised, would attract interest in the class."

"I'm afraid it isn't feeling very well today," said Neville. Regardless, it was unlike anything anyone there had ever seen.

"There," said Luna. "Now isn't that bizarre?"

"At least," said Professor Sprout. "What kind of weirdo plant is that, Neville?"

"I don't know," said Neville. "It looks like some kind of tentacula, but I haven't been able to identify it in any of my books. So I gave it my own name. I call it a Luna Two."

"After me?" Luna was deeply moved.

"I hope you don't mind," said Neville, as he gazed at her. "You see, sir, if you put a strange and interesting plant like this, here in the window, maybe-"

"Maybe what?" asked Professor Sprout. "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound? Just because you put a strange and interesting plant in a window, people don't suddenly-"

At that point, Harry walked into the classroom, uninvited and unannounced. "Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing that strange and interesting plant. What is it?"

"It's a Luna Two," said Luna.

"I've never seen anything like it before," said Harry.

"No one has," said Neville.

"Where did you get it?" asked Harry.

"Well..." Suddenly, Ginny, Lavender, and Parvati sat up to provide back up.

"You remember that total eclipse of the sun a few weeks ago?"

"Da-doo!"

"I was walking through the Hogwarts student store that day."

"Shoop-da-doo!"

"And I passed by this place where this fourth-year Chinese girl-"

"Chang-da-doo!"

"-she sometimes sells me weird and exotic cuttings-"

"Snip-da-doo!"

"-cause she knows strange plants are my hobby!"

"Da-da-da-da-da-da-doo!"

"He had nothing unusual there that day."

"Nope-da-doo!"

"And I was about to, you know, walk on by."

"Good for you!"

"When suddenly and without warning, there was this... TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE SUN! It got very dark. And then I heard a strange humming sound like something from another world."

"Da-doo!"

"And when the light came back this weird plant was just sitting there."

"Oops-ee-doo!"

"Just stuck in, you know, among the zinnias?"

"Luna Two!"

"I could have sworn it hadn't been there before, but Cho Chang sold it to me anyways. For a dollar ninety-five."

"Sha-la-la-la-la-la-doo-doo-doo-doo!"

"Well," said Harry. "It's an unusual story and a fascinating plant." He started to exit, but then stopped and turned around. "Oh, I may as well take a class here, I don't have anything to do this period."

"What do you want to learn?" asked Sprout.

"Anything to do with herbology, I guess."

"I'm afraid the class is a bit unmotivated."

"Unmotivated? I'm Harry freaking Potter. You better be motivated! I want to take this class."

Neville whispered to Professor Sprout, "Did Harry Potter just endorse your class?"

"Well, I'm afraid that the class is over for the day," explained Professor Sprout. "You can come back tomorrow if you want."

"I think I will," said Harry, as he left. "Yessir, that is one strange and interesting plant."

"Well don't just stand there! Quick, quick, quick!" said Professor Sprout. "Put that plant-what do you call it?"

"A Luna Two."

"Put that Luna Two in the window where the passersby can see! My God, I'd never have believed it. Any students who are interested may sit as guests at the professor's table at dinner tonight. Class is dismissed." All students except for Neville and Luna left.

Luna's face became slightly less serene. "Oh, I'd like to, Professor Sprout, but I have a date."

"With the same nogoodnik?" asked Professor Sprout. "I'm telling you, Luna, you don't need a date with him, you need major medical. He ain't a good clean kind of boy."

"He's popular," said Luna.

"What popular kid flies around on a broom by himself and scares Muggles out of their wits?"

"He's a rebel, Professor Sprout, but he comes from a very wealth family, and besides, he's the only fella I've got. Enjoy dinner. Good night, Neville."

"Good night." Luna left, and when she was out of the field of view Neville turned to Professor Sprout.

"Poor girl," said Sprout.

"Am I still sitting with you at dinner?" There was an awkward sound as the Luna Two wilted in Neville's hands.

"You're not going anywhere, Longbottom. You're staying right here and taking care of this sick plant. How come it's fainting all the time?"

"I told you, it's been giving be trouble. It just wilts like this. The Luna Two is not a healthy girl."

"Strictly between us, neither is the Luna One."

"If only I knew what breed it is, what genus. But it's nowhere in the books."

"Well, Longbottom, my advice to you is you better figure it out and fast. Look what this exotic little beauty did for our reputation!"

"I know."

"So work, Neville! Nurse that plant back to health. I'm counting on you."

"I know."

"You do?"

"I do."

"So fix! Good night." Professor Sprout left, and the day was getting to the point where the greenhouse's light was less and less natural and more and more derived from enchantments. Neville held the plant, and though he knew it could not hear him, he spoke to it.

"Aw, Twoey, I don't know what else to do for you. Professor Sprout and Luna, they just met you, but I've been through this with you for weeks - grow and wilt, spurt and flop. Are you sickly, little plant, or just plain stubborn? What is it you want? What is it you need?

I've given you sunshine, I've given you dirt,

You've given me nothing, but heartache and hurt!

I'm begging you sweetly, I'm down on my knees, oh please, grow for me!

I've given you plant food, and water to ship,

I've given you potash, you've given me zip,

Oh God how I mist you, oh pod how you tease, so please, grow for me!

I've given you southern exposure to get you to thrive!

I've pinched you back hard like I'm supposed to, you're barely alive!

I've tried you at levels of moisture from desert to mud!

I've given you growlights and mineral supplements, what do you want from me, blood?"

At this point, Neville made the mistake of shoving his hand directly in the "COMPOST PILE-HAZARDOUS-DO NOT TOUCH" hole. He quickly felt the bite of a Mandrake. "Ouch! Damned mandrakes! Damned thorns! Clumsy me, look what I did, Twoey." It was then that the pod opened. "Hey, you're opening up. What made you do that?" Some experimentation, and... "I think I know what made you do that. Well, I guess a few drops couldn't hurt. As long as you don't make a habit of it or anything.

I've given you sunlight, I've given you rain,

Looks like you're not happy, 'less I open a vein!

I'll give you a few drops, if that'll appease, now please, oh oh oh please... grow for me!"

As Neville walked away, Luna Two did indeed begin to grow...


	2. Act One Scene Two

It was a Saturday, and Mrs. Sprout was sitting on a bench with a small radio. Ginny, Lavender, and Pavarti were sitting next to her, listening as well. "WHGRT, Hogwarts Radio!"

"And thus we conclude our interview with Neville Longbottom, the young botanical... do you mind if I call you a genius?"

"Gosh, no."

"The genius who has developed a new breed of plantlife, hitherto unknown to the wizarding world. The Luna Two. Oh, just one last question, Mr. Longbottom. Do you feed it anything special?"

"Special? Er, no... it's a secret formula, but it's, uh, not hard to come by."

"I see, well, thanks for dropping by, and-"

"I'd like to remind our listeners that the Luna Two is avaliable for research exclusively at the herbology class-"

"WHGRT, Hogwarts Radio!"

"The location, the location!" Professor Sprout shouted at the radio. "Mention the... Oh well, it's still great advertising. I can't believe it, it couldn't be happening, pinch me girls, it couldn't be happening, all of this sudden success coming out of the blue! I put a sign up, right in the front window, an advertisement, right in the front window: 'Enroll and study this bizarre new plant, Luna Two', and the really remarkable thing is that people, they do! Neville that twerp of a klutz finally did something right, Luna Two drives them nuts, what a blessing this wonderful plant should exist and should bring in all-new students hand over fist!"

At this point, Neville entered, holding a Luna Two that was now much larger, at nearly two feet, and with a visible tooth or two along the pod. "Well, how'd I do?"

"You were great on the radio, Neville!" said Parvati.

"You sounded sexier than Gilderoy Lockhart!" said Lavender, at which point Ginny gave her an awkward look.

"But you didn't mention where the class is held," said Professor Sprout. "How many times have I told you..."

"I'm sorry, I was nervous. Where's Luna? She said she'd be here."

"Forget about Luna. I've got three more radio interviews lined up for tomorrow and the student newspaper wants a picture."

"If my mother could understand any of this, she'd be so happy." The Professor took out a camera that she had no doubt borrowed from Colin Creevey, and took a picture of Neville. She then left.

"You're an overnight sensation, Neville," said Ginny. "Who'd have believed it? One day he pushed a broom, nothing in his news but gloom and doom, then he lit a fuse and give him room, stand aside and watch that mothah blow! Explosion! Bang, kerboom! Don't it go to show ya never know?" At this point, the other two girls joined in singing.

"Neville was in a funk, he was number zero, who'd have thunk he'd become a hero? Just a punk, he was a forgotten so and so! Then one day-"

"Crash! Kerplunk!" interjected Neville.

"Don't it go to show ya never know!"

"Sit down, Neville, now Ginny's gonna sing for ya. All the world used to screw him, biff wham pow, now they interview him, and they clamor to put his remarks on the air!" Neville attempted to point Luna Two's pod in the direction of the girls' song, but it was no use. It bit his left hand. "All the world used to hate him, now they're starting to 'preciate him, and it's all because of that strange little plant over there!" He quickly attempted to pull his hand out of the plant, but it continued in its quest to bite whatever came near it. Meanwhile, the other two girls rejoined the song... and brought Neville with him, obliging him to dance-and the ravenous plant he was holding only made the dancing more awkward.

"Observe him! Here's a chap! Everything is landing in his lap!"

"I just cut my hand and in a snap! Something out of Edgar Allen Poe has happened!"

"Zam kazap! Don't it go to show ya never know! One day you're slinging hash, feeling so rejected, lightning flash! You get resurrected, make a splash! Now you rate the big bravissimo! And with a thundercrash! Crash kerplunk, bam kerboom, zang kazunk, zam kazoom, zowee, powee, holy cow, he ordered up a rainbow to go, wow, pow, look out below! Don't it go to show ya never know!"

From somewhere unseen, Professor Sprout called, "Longbottom!" Neville obediently left, but the three girls stayed behind. Then, Luna ran in, just missing Neville.

"Well, look who's here," said Lavender.

"Hi, Lavender. Hi, Ginny. Hi, Parvati," said Luna. "Am I late? Did I miss it?"

"Sure are," said Parvati.

"And sure did," said Ginny.

"Neville's first radio broadcast," said Luna. "I wanted to cheer him on. I tried to be on time, but-"

"Don't tell me," said Lavender. "You got tied up."

"No," said Luna. "Just... body-bound... a little."

"Girl, I don't know who this mess is you've been hanging out with, but he is hazardous to your health," said Ginny.

"That's for sure, but I can't leave him."

"Why not?" asked Parvati.

"He'd get angry," said Luna, "And if he does this to me when he likes me, imagine what he'd do if he ever got mad."

"So dump the chump, get another guy, and let him protect you," said Lavender.

"And we got one all picked out," said Parvati.

"A little botanical genius," said Ginny.

"Neville?" asked Luna. "No, we're just friends. I could never be Neville's girl. I've got a past."

"And who amongst us has not?" asked Lavender.

"I don't even deserve a sweet, considerate, suddenly successful guy like Neville."

"This child suffers from low self image," said Ginny.

"You have a point," said Parvati.

"She has a problem," said Lavender.

"I know Neville's the greatest, but I'm dating a semi-sadist. So I've got a black eye and my arm's in a cast. Still, that Neville's a cutie-" The other three girls broke out laughing. "Well, if not, he's got inner beauty, and I dream of a place where we could be together at last..."

"And what kind of place is that, honey?" asked Lavender. "St. Mungo's?"

"Oh no. It's just a daydream of mine. A little development I dream of. Just off the Floo Network. Just a little street in a little suburb, far far from stressful, academic Hogwarts. The sweetest, greenest place-where nobody has to worry about what Cornelius Fudge might do next to gain more wealth. And all the houses are so safe and secure... there's not a Heliopath for miles. Oh, I dream about it all the time. Just me... and some spectrespecs... And a sweet little guy... like Neville... A cottage of our own, a fence of real tin foil, and butterbeer corks to keep the, nargles out of the soil, a Snorkack horn that we keep to study its properties, in a one-room house we share, somwhere that's green... He diffendos the grass, he loves to weed and mow, I write much like my father, so I'm all set to go, we don't have to worry about wrackspurts or gulping plimpies, in the dabberblimp-free air, somewhere that's green... Between our mundane dinner, and our bedtime, nine-fifteen, we snuggle safe from umgubular slashkilters and so many... more... I'm always at his side... He b'lieves me, he's the best... Our kids dream of bagged Moon Frogs as the sun sets in the west, a picture out my father's 'The Quibbler' magazine... Far from Hogwarts... I dream we'll go... somewhere that's green..."


	3. Act One Scene Three Part One

Ginny, Lavender, and Parvati looked at the greenhouse. It was supposed to be time for class, but the building was full of magic rather than students, and Neville was standing at the door, singing... "We're closed for renovation, for spiffing up and grooming, 'cuz new students are flocking, and interest has been booming, we need refrigeration in our new, improved display, so we're closed for renovation, today!" He then turned and reentered the greenhouse, where Mrs. Sprout was busy talking into a two-way mirror.

"Yes, indeed, this is the class you heard about in the student paper. Yes, the Luna Two is on display exclusively here!" Luna exited the basement, a few rows of potted plants hovering behind her. Neville and her resumed their work, now singing together.

"We're closed for decoration, 'cuz fortunate has been smiling, so now we're due for painting, new plumbing, and re-tiling, we'll make a first-class greenhouse for our little class, and then, tomorrow we'll be open again!" Professor Sprout put down the two-way mirror and looked down at Neville, who was attempting to cast a cleaning charm at the floor.

"Aren't you finished yet?

"I'm doing my best, but all these band-aids make it kinda hard."

"Oh, Neville, you've been getting hurt so much lately," said Luna.

"Er, I know... seems like every time I try to cast Diffendo, I slip!" Neville, Luna, and Professor Sprout all began working and singing together...

"We're closed for renovation, for swabbing-down and brooming, 'cuz business has been thriving, since Luna Two's been blooming, the owls have not stopped flying with the new students who say:"

"I'd love it if you would teach me," sang Neville.

"I've got Thursday afternoons free," sang Luna.

"Can I sit in so I can see,"

"If I should take Herbology,"

"With my extended family," chimed in Professor Sprout.

"We promise that we won't get Ts," everyone sang together. "We're closed for renovations... today!"

"Neville," asked Professor Sprout, "Did you send that acceptance letter to Ron Weasley?"

"Ron Weasley?" asked Neville.

"Ron Weasley," said Luna, hoping to remind him.

"Ron Weasley... Er, I forgot."

"You forgot! How could you forget an order like that? The Weasleys are our most important demographic! A big, enormous family, and they all need more credits! I'm telling you, Longbottom, if we lose their interest over this... you are finished!" With that Professor Sprout exited the greenhouse, leaving Neville and Luna to work alone.

"You know, sometimes I think Professor Sprout's too hard on you," said Luna.

"Oh, I don't mind. After all, I owe her everything. She gave me a place to stand out back when I was just a first year. There were still bullies, but even if I was awful at everything else, at least they couldn't say I was bad at Herbology. She gave me plants to catalogue and floors to sweep and every other Sunday off...

"You know, I think you ought to raise your expecations, Neville. Now that we're getting successful, I mean. Why don't you start with a new uniform? No offense, but what with all the interviews and photo sessions, a big, important experimental botanist has to look the part."

"I'm awful at keeping things nice, Luna. I don't even know how to tell if a uniform's self-cleaning or not."

"Well, I could help you pick things out..."

"You could?"

"Sure."

"You'd go shopping with me?"

"Sure."

"You'd be seen with me in a public place? Like a department store?"

"Sure."

"Tonight?"

"I can't tonight. I've got a date. But I'd like to go with you another time."

"Sure, I'll... pencil you in..."

"I'll bet you've got a lot of dates, now?"

"Not dates, exactly... but a lot of the other herbology students have been calling - asking me to tutor them. Imagine me, a tutor. I'm only in my third year."

"That doesn't matter. You have life experience."

"Some experience. I don't even know what it's like to apparate."

"Me neither."

"Or eat a fancy dinner at the Three Broomsticks."

"Me neither."

"Or fly on a broom."

"Oh, it's no big deal. And besides, it's dangerous."

"It is?"

"Extremely dangerous. ...gee, I'd better go fix my face. My date'll be here any minute!"


End file.
